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October 2009 
Nothing To Say ... Or Maybe It's More That I Don't Have An Answer
Posted on Jun 10th, 2009
by 
Fearless
Fearless
I'M SORRY it has been so long since I've written anything here. I just don't have anything to say.
I'm living very much in my own head at the moment. Cogitating. Mulling things over. Being fearful. Loving. Experiencing joy. Being curious. Trying hard. Making excuses. Wondering. I seem to be waiting ... for I know not what.
For a long time now I've been feeling like I'm waiting ... waiting to be somewhere, or at some point in my life's development. But I don't know what it is.
There are so many thoughts swirling about up there (in my brain), as opposed to the feverish activity down here (the keyboard).
I've only ever found peace in solitude and even this life in Esperance, where I hardly know anybody - ten people at most - is still too busy (what with Second Life and all), that I never seem to have the time to be absolutely quiet and peaceful.
There seems to be a lot of turmoil somewhere inside me. I'm not sure if it's the ageing process kicking in; my own insecurities; something (not yet defined), percolating away.
This is not a good time for me to write. I am all discombobulated.
At my last birthday, back in April, the first since my mother died, I thought I would try something novel and give birth to myself. It was more a case of making a fresh start. (I'm fond of fresh starts!) Creating a life for myself that was mine alone, without the influence of those other people who'd been there the first time around.
Making I'm an artist of lives. Creating new ones, when I feel I've mucked up the other one, or had it impacted on by others. A fresh new canvas is always available.
What would YOUR life be if you were to create it, EXACTLY the way you wanted it, without the influence of other people?
If I had a fairy godmother to wave a wand over me, I would like to be a lounge singer. Tootling off to a piano bar once or twice a week, singing 'torch songs' - evoking great feeling in my audience. Taking them on a romantic journey of love and love lost; inspiring men to send roses to my dressing room and sports cars to my house. For witty humourists and famous artists to vie for my attention, and offering me world trips on their yachts. And I would be having an enduring love affair with a committed naturalist, whose life work was saving animals.
See? This is why I haven't written here for awhile. I don't have anything to say. lol Just silly musings. I'm reminded of when I was a kid, and people would ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I never knew. I just did not know what I wanted to BE. And now, while I ponder the saying, "Be Here Now" - I do wonder - what exactly is it, that I want to be?
I'll be in touch later, when I have something more profound to say.
PHOTOS: These are the lives (personas) I have created in Second Life. I contemplated (and even tried) to put up my real life photo, but the message came back from Gaia, "Sorry, there has been an unexpected error" ... LOL Indeed there has.
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