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Love
November 2009 
David, My Wonderful
Posted on Oct 18th, 2009
by 
Fearless
Fearless
EVERY MAN YOU LET INTO YOUR HEART, brings something unique with him. Some new hope of acceptance or inspiration or desire. In the broad brush strokes of life, we now come to David - "My Wonderful". This is the love affair closest to my heart. Not only because it was my most recent, but because it was the step which brought me to where I am now.
Being loved by David brought a contentment into my life that was such a calming influence. Even now, months after I acknowledged that our 'romantic' relationship had come to an end, he still brings a calm to my soul that I miss when it's not there.
Each wound to the heart brings about some change in a person I believe. We either become more defensive or allow ourselves to remain vulnerable. With David, I think I am learning to be more realistic about what I can hope to experience via the love of another person. Certainly, having him in my life, is steering me in the direction of learning to love myself, which is THE most important love affair you can have.
My feelings toward David are still very poignant. I still miss him. We chat every now and then; each occasion a bright spot in my life.
David and I met in Second Life and were both swept away by a mutual feeling of openess, wonder and delight. We quite literally fell in love in our first conversation. And it's a conversation I will treasure for the rest of my life because it was so open and trusting.
Several weeks earlier, my first love affair in SL had come to an end, and I went to one of my favourite places, "Midnight Reflections", looking for some kind of solace. I'd decided that I would ask the first person I came across to give me a hug and that person was HarpoonDodger Freenote, who I found sitting on a mushroom. I approached and said, "Excuse me, but I'm in desperate need of a hug, would you mind?" He obliged and asked, "Why so sad?" and I was immediately warmed by his caring.
This is the conversation which followed:
"ME: Oh, just someone I care for is no longer as much a part of my life and I miss them. That's why I needed to be held ... to get a little bit of comfort ... even from a stranger.
HIM: That's why I'm here. You picked the right guy.
At this point he offered me 'Friendship', which is a way of establishing contact with others in Second Life so you know when they are online.
ME: Thank you for throwing me a life preserver.
HIM: Would you like to walk and chat?
We walked a bit and then found a poseball labelled "Fate". (A poseball animates your avatar so that you can sit, caress, dance, play tennis etc).
HIM: Want to find out our fate?
We sat and found that 'Fate' was a pose that had us lying side by side, gently stroking one another's faces and bodies - very sweet and caring. He asked me about the relationship (or the ending of it) that had caused me so much pain and we talked about that for awhile.
HIM: I'm trying to learn to just take what comes. To not be demanding ... to create an abundance of love, where everywhere there seems a scarcity.
ME: That's what I set out to do in SL - just to see what it offered and to enjoy that.
HIM: Mmm ... me too ... guess I'm lucky so far. But I find the women here more mature and loving than most of the men.
ME: I had several people I was seeing, but when this man came into my life and asked me to be his partner, I just couldn't be with the others.
HIM: I couldn't give up any of those I've come to love, for just one ... No matter how special.
ME: Well, I didn't throw them away ... I just stopped being intimate with them. I thought I could continue having the mutliple relationships, but it appears as though I'm faithful no matter where I'm having the relationship - First Life or Second!
HIM: There must have been a reason you wanted to be intimate with them though. All my relationships here are intimate - just in different ways.
ME: Well, I suppose we all need something in our relationships with others.
HIM: Possessiveness and jealousy are the enemies of love. It can be so much more.
ME: I just want to surrender to what the fates offer me here.
HIM: Good for you ... to have the courage to let go of fear and insecurity. The mores of RL (Real Life).
ME: So, what is a man who has several intimate relationships, doing sitting all alone in a forest?
HIM: The women I love are all busy tonight. I don't demand anything of them ... I want them to be free to be with me when they want, on their own terms. So your request of a hug from me was a sign ... my reward for generosity. I'm learning so much from the women I meet here.
ME: Oh good .... at least there will be ONE MAN in the world who understands a little. I must say, I liked the attitudes you expressed in your profile. I'm interested to hear about the women you love.
HIM: The qualities they have in common are:
1. Emotionally strong
2. Emotionally sensitive
3. Intelligent
4. Imaginative
5. Good at communicating in writing.
ME: I don't know that I can define the kind of person who appeals to me.
HIM: I couldn't either, until I started to see a pattern. My instincts tell me you have them all.
ME: But I've always thought that I would like someone who is manly, without being macho; sensitive, without being soppy; someone with honour and integrity and showing gallantry.
HIM: Mmmm ... high standard. lol
ME: Someone who enjoys expressing themselves. With a loving heart and I must have honesty.
HIM: Absolutely! I forgot that on my list.
ME: I can't imagine what it would be like to walk into your home and find your partner fucking somebody else in your bed. Apart from the betrayal, it's absolutely such bad manners!
HIM: Unless of course it's by consent and equal ... a foursome instead of a threesome.
In Second Life, you create your 'look' by choosing particular kinds of shapes and skins to reflect the look which best appeals to us. At this point in our exchange, I realised that I was in an 'alternative' avatar, which is different to my usual 'look'.
ME: This is the face I love, she is my beautiful jewel.
HIM: Very expressive ... haunting ... vulnerable looking.
ME: I love how we express ourselves here. What we create reflects our souls ... our essence.
HIM: The tenderness of this pose brings tears to my eyes.
ME: It's funny that you should be a writer, cos I am too. I write memoirs, but I used to be a journalist.
HIM: Telling rich stories is the key to changing the world.
ME: I thought I would try and make a living here in SL through my writing and for the first six months in SL I wrote for one of the newspapers here, but now I want to explore other avenues of expression and just continue to earn a living in First Life. (I regard Second Life as my Real Life, the life I would like to lead).
HIM: I'm glad you're exploring with me.
ME: So am I. I'm glad you were sitting on that mushroom as I came by.
HIM: Our meeting was intended before you arrived ... we just played it out. Our lives are stories that we each star in. And we can either direct ourselves, or let others do it for us.
ME: Tell me something wonderful!
HIM: That's why I'm here. You picked the right guy.
At this point he offered me 'Friendship', which is a way of establishing contact with others in Second Life so you know when they are online.
ME: Thank you for throwing me a life preserver.
HIM: Would you like to walk and chat?
We walked a bit and then found a poseball labelled "Fate". (A poseball animates your avatar so that you can sit, caress, dance, play tennis etc).
HIM: Want to find out our fate?
We sat and found that 'Fate' was a pose that had us lying side by side, gently stroking one another's faces and bodies - very sweet and caring. He asked me about the relationship (or the ending of it) that had caused me so much pain and we talked about that for awhile.
HIM: I'm trying to learn to just take what comes. To not be demanding ... to create an abundance of love, where everywhere there seems a scarcity.
ME: That's what I set out to do in SL - just to see what it offered and to enjoy that.
HIM: Mmm ... me too ... guess I'm lucky so far. But I find the women here more mature and loving than most of the men.
ME: I had several people I was seeing, but when this man came into my life and asked me to be his partner, I just couldn't be with the others.
HIM: I couldn't give up any of those I've come to love, for just one ... No matter how special.
ME: Well, I didn't throw them away ... I just stopped being intimate with them. I thought I could continue having the mutliple relationships, but it appears as though I'm faithful no matter where I'm having the relationship - First Life or Second!
HIM: There must have been a reason you wanted to be intimate with them though. All my relationships here are intimate - just in different ways.
ME: Well, I suppose we all need something in our relationships with others.
HIM: Possessiveness and jealousy are the enemies of love. It can be so much more.
ME: I just want to surrender to what the fates offer me here.
HIM: Good for you ... to have the courage to let go of fear and insecurity. The mores of RL (Real Life).
ME: So, what is a man who has several intimate relationships, doing sitting all alone in a forest?
HIM: The women I love are all busy tonight. I don't demand anything of them ... I want them to be free to be with me when they want, on their own terms. So your request of a hug from me was a sign ... my reward for generosity. I'm learning so much from the women I meet here.
ME: Oh good .... at least there will be ONE MAN in the world who understands a little. I must say, I liked the attitudes you expressed in your profile. I'm interested to hear about the women you love.
HIM: The qualities they have in common are:
1. Emotionally strong
2. Emotionally sensitive
3. Intelligent
4. Imaginative
5. Good at communicating in writing.
ME: I don't know that I can define the kind of person who appeals to me.
HIM: I couldn't either, until I started to see a pattern. My instincts tell me you have them all.
ME: But I've always thought that I would like someone who is manly, without being macho; sensitive, without being soppy; someone with honour and integrity and showing gallantry.
HIM: Mmmm ... high standard. lol
ME: Someone who enjoys expressing themselves. With a loving heart and I must have honesty.
HIM: Absolutely! I forgot that on my list.
ME: I can't imagine what it would be like to walk into your home and find your partner fucking somebody else in your bed. Apart from the betrayal, it's absolutely such bad manners!
HIM: Unless of course it's by consent and equal ... a foursome instead of a threesome.
In Second Life, you create your 'look' by choosing particular kinds of shapes and skins to reflect the look which best appeals to us. At this point in our exchange, I realised that I was in an 'alternative' avatar, which is different to my usual 'look'.
ME: This is the face I love, she is my beautiful jewel.
HIM: Very expressive ... haunting ... vulnerable looking.
ME: I love how we express ourselves here. What we create reflects our souls ... our essence.
HIM: The tenderness of this pose brings tears to my eyes.
ME: It's funny that you should be a writer, cos I am too. I write memoirs, but I used to be a journalist.
HIM: Telling rich stories is the key to changing the world.
ME: I thought I would try and make a living here in SL through my writing and for the first six months in SL I wrote for one of the newspapers here, but now I want to explore other avenues of expression and just continue to earn a living in First Life. (I regard Second Life as my Real Life, the life I would like to lead).
HIM: I'm glad you're exploring with me.
ME: So am I. I'm glad you were sitting on that mushroom as I came by.
HIM: Our meeting was intended before you arrived ... we just played it out. Our lives are stories that we each star in. And we can either direct ourselves, or let others do it for us.
ME: Tell me something wonderful!
(This, I now realise, is the point at which I was beginning to fall in love).
HIM: I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
HIM: I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
(And this, is the point I thought he was talking about me! lol That this happiness stemmed from meeting me.)
ME: That's a wonderful experience to have.
ME: That's a wonderful experience to have.
HIM: I've learned that love can let us do anything. I can't think of anything more wonderful than that. lol
ME: Yes, love is the answer.
HIM: Have you ever heard of polyamorous communities?
ME: I've only heard the expression. I don't know what it entails, apart from sharing love.
HIM: They are stable groups of equal numbers of men and women who all love each other. And who share trust and love completely and honesty. So there is never a need for jealousy or possessiveness.
ME: Yes, love is the answer.
HIM: Have you ever heard of polyamorous communities?
ME: I've only heard the expression. I don't know what it entails, apart from sharing love.
HIM: They are stable groups of equal numbers of men and women who all love each other. And who share trust and love completely and honesty. So there is never a need for jealousy or possessiveness.
ME: Where do I sign up? lol
(Indeed, this was the relationship model that I did sign up for, but which never eventuated. When David did eventually establish another loving relationship, he didn't even tell me about it until it was a fait accompli. His other woman had no interest in getting to know me and we never met, spoke or communicated in any way in the almost 12 months that we both shared David's attention. So there was no "sharing of trust and love and honesty").
HIM: The women I love think it is idealistic and impossible.
(David himself later acknowledged that this was far too idealistic - that finding such a community was just not possible).
ME: I love idealism.
HIM: But I am not so sure ... I believe it is natural.
ME: It's a worthy ideal I think. I'm not so sure of human nature though. One thing I do know about myself is that if I am WITH someone, I want their full attention.
HIM: Absolutely, yes. But then later you can be with someone else.
ME: I love idealism.
HIM: But I am not so sure ... I believe it is natural.
ME: It's a worthy ideal I think. I'm not so sure of human nature though. One thing I do know about myself is that if I am WITH someone, I want their full attention.
HIM: Absolutely, yes. But then later you can be with someone else.
(I think it was my need for attention which eventually led to my disillusionment with our relationship. He explained that he had come to realise in himself a tendency to fall madly in love with someone at first and then to slowly lose enthusiasm for that person and yearn for the experience of falling in love with someone else). He still retained a fondness for the first love, but that that love mellowed into something less passionate and desirous).
ME: Yes.
HIM: I'm coming to like you a lot.
ME: Cos I'm telling you what you want to hear? lol
HIM: lol Boy, you are smart!
ME: How many of the criteria have I met?
HIM: I've re-read the script of our conversation because I wondered about that ... It's not a test ... just a pattern I've noticed. I could love you in any case. You would be easy to fall in love with.
ME: It is a sweet surrender.
HIM: You ARE a writer.
ME: I'm watching our avatars.
HIM: Me too ... can't take my eyes off them/us. I long for gentleness, tenderness. So little of it in RL.
ME: Do you know, when we first met and you gave me that hug ... I just didn't want to move away from you. I wanted to stay close.
HIM: Me too. And I love the fact that you were strong enough to ask.
ME: I was thinking you would be thinking, "Oh here we go! Some guy in a dress hitting on me!"
HIM: I just found it charming. Can I tell you something I'm hesitant to say?
ME: I love to hear everything!
HIM: To me, this conversation is more erotic than SL sex. We are 'making love'. I just want to hold you close all night and learn more and more about you.
We then chatted about our lives - our dogs, where we lived, domestic stuff.
ME: I'd be interested to see one of these polyamorous communities.
HIM: I want to set up such a community here in Second Life to experiment and learn first and then hopefully co-create on in Real Life. We'd have to start it.
ME: We?
HIM: You and me ... you'd pick the men and I'd pick the women. We'd each meet each other's choices, and if we agreed, two by two, we'd invite them to join us.
ME: Yes.
HIM: I'm coming to like you a lot.
ME: Cos I'm telling you what you want to hear? lol
HIM: lol Boy, you are smart!
ME: How many of the criteria have I met?
HIM: I've re-read the script of our conversation because I wondered about that ... It's not a test ... just a pattern I've noticed. I could love you in any case. You would be easy to fall in love with.
ME: It is a sweet surrender.
HIM: You ARE a writer.
ME: I'm watching our avatars.
HIM: Me too ... can't take my eyes off them/us. I long for gentleness, tenderness. So little of it in RL.
ME: Do you know, when we first met and you gave me that hug ... I just didn't want to move away from you. I wanted to stay close.
HIM: Me too. And I love the fact that you were strong enough to ask.
ME: I was thinking you would be thinking, "Oh here we go! Some guy in a dress hitting on me!"
HIM: I just found it charming. Can I tell you something I'm hesitant to say?
ME: I love to hear everything!
HIM: To me, this conversation is more erotic than SL sex. We are 'making love'. I just want to hold you close all night and learn more and more about you.
We then chatted about our lives - our dogs, where we lived, domestic stuff.
ME: I'd be interested to see one of these polyamorous communities.
HIM: I want to set up such a community here in Second Life to experiment and learn first and then hopefully co-create on in Real Life. We'd have to start it.
ME: We?
HIM: You and me ... you'd pick the men and I'd pick the women. We'd each meet each other's choices, and if we agreed, two by two, we'd invite them to join us.
(Presented like that, the idea of a polyamorous community certainly did appeal to me).
ME: Like Noah's Ark? I never thought, when I started out on my walk, that I'd end up organising a Polyamorous Community. lol
HIM: It's just a dream of mine .... it's new. Yes, like Noah's Ark ... exactly!
ME: I like the sound of that.
HIM: Wow! That's wonderful. Want to get to know you better first though. It's funny, but I can feel your heart beating.
ME: What else can you feel?
HIM: lol Your breath on mine. Your gentle touch. The strength of the muscles in your body. You must be in good shape.
ME: I wish!
HIM: I feel our souls touching.
ME: I have some delicious sensations moving through my body.
HIM: Me too. We're going to have a relationship that lasts ... so there's no hurry.
ME: Patience is not one of my virtues. I think you should know that.
We then went on to play "Twenty Questions" which was a great way of getting to know one another better. Here are just some of the questions and responses.
ME: What do you like about me best?
HIM: Toss-up so far between intelligence (so sexy!) and communication skill (so rare!)
ME: Favourite fantasy?
HIM: You'll think I'm kidding, but it's meeting a stranger in the forest (behind my house) and falling in love and making love for hours and hours.
ME: Do you really think we have something going on here?
HIM: I think so ... I keep reading the thread and I think it's real.
ME: Such a wonderful treasure to find.
HIM: Mmmmm ..... I'm just bursting with happiness. Okay, my question. Favourite novelist, short story writer and poet.
ME: Oooooh .... Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, Jack London, Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, Kahlil Gibran ...
"Come close beloved of my soul, for I fear loneliness ..."
I'm not so hot on poets. Okay, my turn.
ME: Will you be my man?
HIM: Yes ...
ME: lol I expected there to be some provisos in there. (smiles)
HIM: I'm taking this all as it comes ... trusting my instincts ... and trusting you.
ME: As I trust you.
HIM: Here's a tough one for you ... How/where do you draw the line between SL and RL?
ME: First Life is where I live; and Second Life is where I'd like to be.
Or are you asking if I want something more from you than what we can have here?
HIM: Yes ... or at least if you think you will want something from me in RL too.
ME: I think it's safer to keep it in SL.
HIM: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I knew my instincts about you were right.
ME: Don't get me wrong though ... I do have a tendency to be clingey ... especially if I'm feeling needy. I need a lot of attention.
ME: Like Noah's Ark? I never thought, when I started out on my walk, that I'd end up organising a Polyamorous Community. lol
HIM: It's just a dream of mine .... it's new. Yes, like Noah's Ark ... exactly!
ME: I like the sound of that.
HIM: Wow! That's wonderful. Want to get to know you better first though. It's funny, but I can feel your heart beating.
ME: What else can you feel?
HIM: lol Your breath on mine. Your gentle touch. The strength of the muscles in your body. You must be in good shape.
ME: I wish!
HIM: I feel our souls touching.
ME: I have some delicious sensations moving through my body.
HIM: Me too. We're going to have a relationship that lasts ... so there's no hurry.
ME: Patience is not one of my virtues. I think you should know that.
We then went on to play "Twenty Questions" which was a great way of getting to know one another better. Here are just some of the questions and responses.
ME: What do you like about me best?
HIM: Toss-up so far between intelligence (so sexy!) and communication skill (so rare!)
ME: Favourite fantasy?
HIM: You'll think I'm kidding, but it's meeting a stranger in the forest (behind my house) and falling in love and making love for hours and hours.
ME: Do you really think we have something going on here?
HIM: I think so ... I keep reading the thread and I think it's real.
ME: Such a wonderful treasure to find.
HIM: Mmmmm ..... I'm just bursting with happiness. Okay, my question. Favourite novelist, short story writer and poet.
ME: Oooooh .... Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, Jack London, Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, Kahlil Gibran ...
"Come close beloved of my soul, for I fear loneliness ..."
I'm not so hot on poets. Okay, my turn.
ME: Will you be my man?
HIM: Yes ...
ME: lol I expected there to be some provisos in there. (smiles)
HIM: I'm taking this all as it comes ... trusting my instincts ... and trusting you.
ME: As I trust you.
HIM: Here's a tough one for you ... How/where do you draw the line between SL and RL?
ME: First Life is where I live; and Second Life is where I'd like to be.
Or are you asking if I want something more from you than what we can have here?
HIM: Yes ... or at least if you think you will want something from me in RL too.
ME: I think it's safer to keep it in SL.
HIM: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I knew my instincts about you were right.
ME: Don't get me wrong though ... I do have a tendency to be clingey ... especially if I'm feeling needy. I need a lot of attention.
(I've come to realise that I don't really see any distinction between the two in some ways - there is a crossover because you can't differentiate between second life emotions and first life emotions).
HIM: I can handle that in SL. You're worth it.
ME: I hope so.
HIM: No need to hope ... I know.
ME: Next question. What's the lousiest thing you've ever done to a woman?
HIM: When I was younger, I ran away from love because I was afraid. I would never do that again ... hard lesson.
ME: What gave you the courage to explore love again then?
HIM: Just learned ... and learned ... and learned ... so I would never make such a terrible mistake again.
ME: It's funny how all this is scarey and thrilling at the same time.
HIM: Not scary to me ... I trust you and I just KNOW this is right.
ME: It's important that I feel safe with you. God I hope you're not just some guy who has read a manual and knows all the right things to say! lol
HIM: lol No, I don't think there is one for that. It's taken me a long time to get here. You've just arrived in my life at the right time. Just think ... if you hadn't asked me for a hug ...
ME: I know. But as soon as I saw you, I was glad I'd found you.
HIM: I am so so so so so happy and bursting with love.
ME: I want so much to give myself to you.
HIM: We'll give ourselves to each other.
ME: I'm looking forward to loving you. Sharing love with you.
HIM: Just when I thought I couldn't be happier, I meet you! Life is too wonderful.
ME: It certainly has turned around for me! This morning I was in tears, and now here I am, lost in love with a man I just met. But I am a big believer in fate.
HIM: You had me at "I'm a writer too".
ME: You had me when I read your profile.
HIM: Oh ... I love you so much already and we've only just begun! James Taylor once said, "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time" and I'm going to enjoy enjoying it with you.
ME: Okay, here's another question for you. Would you describe yourself as more dominant or submissive?
HIM: Neither. I like to take turns.
ME: Good answer! Exactly right! Okay, it's a done deal. It's love!
I've got to tell you though, that I have a tendency towards bossiness, so I need a strong man to keep me in check.
HIM: That will be an interesting test for us. I'm emotionally strong, but I won't tell anyone I love, what to do.
ME: No, I don't like being told what to do ...
HIM: I over-compensate for most men who keep women too much in check.
ME: I just need you to pull me into line, if I need pulling into line. I value my freedom too much. Not that I want to give you a job to do ... I'm just letting you know that if I start to get a bit over-bearing, I am open to you letting me know that I'm out of line.
Hopefully, we will both feel comfortable letting the other know what we need etc.
HIM: We'll work it out. This will be something for us to explore. It may be a challenge for me to learn though ...
ME: Last question. What would be a deal breaker for you?
HIM: Any dishonesty.
ME: Yes. Likewise for me. But it's time for me to go. I have to take my dog for a walk.
Thank you for turning my day around. For being kind enough to hug a stranger. You are going to be very good for me.
HIM: Just love me and life will be wonderful for both of us."
HIM: I can handle that in SL. You're worth it.
ME: I hope so.
HIM: No need to hope ... I know.
ME: Next question. What's the lousiest thing you've ever done to a woman?
HIM: When I was younger, I ran away from love because I was afraid. I would never do that again ... hard lesson.
ME: What gave you the courage to explore love again then?
HIM: Just learned ... and learned ... and learned ... so I would never make such a terrible mistake again.
ME: It's funny how all this is scarey and thrilling at the same time.
HIM: Not scary to me ... I trust you and I just KNOW this is right.
ME: It's important that I feel safe with you. God I hope you're not just some guy who has read a manual and knows all the right things to say! lol
HIM: lol No, I don't think there is one for that. It's taken me a long time to get here. You've just arrived in my life at the right time. Just think ... if you hadn't asked me for a hug ...
ME: I know. But as soon as I saw you, I was glad I'd found you.
HIM: I am so so so so so happy and bursting with love.
ME: I want so much to give myself to you.
HIM: We'll give ourselves to each other.
ME: I'm looking forward to loving you. Sharing love with you.
HIM: Just when I thought I couldn't be happier, I meet you! Life is too wonderful.
ME: It certainly has turned around for me! This morning I was in tears, and now here I am, lost in love with a man I just met. But I am a big believer in fate.
HIM: You had me at "I'm a writer too".
ME: You had me when I read your profile.
HIM: Oh ... I love you so much already and we've only just begun! James Taylor once said, "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time" and I'm going to enjoy enjoying it with you.
ME: Okay, here's another question for you. Would you describe yourself as more dominant or submissive?
HIM: Neither. I like to take turns.
ME: Good answer! Exactly right! Okay, it's a done deal. It's love!
I've got to tell you though, that I have a tendency towards bossiness, so I need a strong man to keep me in check.
HIM: That will be an interesting test for us. I'm emotionally strong, but I won't tell anyone I love, what to do.
ME: No, I don't like being told what to do ...
HIM: I over-compensate for most men who keep women too much in check.
ME: I just need you to pull me into line, if I need pulling into line. I value my freedom too much. Not that I want to give you a job to do ... I'm just letting you know that if I start to get a bit over-bearing, I am open to you letting me know that I'm out of line.
Hopefully, we will both feel comfortable letting the other know what we need etc.
HIM: We'll work it out. This will be something for us to explore. It may be a challenge for me to learn though ...
ME: Last question. What would be a deal breaker for you?
HIM: Any dishonesty.
ME: Yes. Likewise for me. But it's time for me to go. I have to take my dog for a walk.
Thank you for turning my day around. For being kind enough to hug a stranger. You are going to be very good for me.
HIM: Just love me and life will be wonderful for both of us."
And it was. It was wonderful! For almost two wondrous years. And then a great sadness descended on me when I realised that his attention had wandered and I no longer felt as important to him as I had. My 'wonderful had moved on.
The pain and anguish of 'losing' the love that we'd had was terrible. Truly terrible. I lost more than just his attention, I lost almost my will to continue with life. The sense of loss was so immense.
The coup de grace was a bitter email I sent to him, detailing all the times he had wounded me.
When our relationship ended, I had asked him how he felt. "A little sad," he replied. "A LITTLE sad!!!!!!" I was absolutely shattered, heartbroken! I wanted him to understand my grief, to feel my pain. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to FEEL my pain. Hence the bitter email. He in turn felt hurt and angry and miserable, beaten up for mistakes that he'd made and had apologised for.
It was several months before each of us felt safe again with any contact I think. He wanted to give me the space to adjust to the new relationship we were forging and I needed time to re-assess my emotions.
When I originally wrote this, a month or so ago, I had said: "When I stop crying, maybe I'll finish this story. Maybe not. Maybe this was a life lesson that is learnt by experiencing the loss." But I have written the second instalment. It's just that now, I don't know that I have a need to share it. Maybe it's enough just to share the best of what we had - our beautiful beginning. The whys and wherefores of what we had are just for us ... the story of wonder and love and hopeful beginnings is what typifies our love.
We are still sharing the creation of our intentional community in second life, though nowhere near as close as I imagined it would be. The story of our love continues to be written today and it's a story that will be written for years to come I hope. As he said on our first day: "We're going to have a relationship that lasts ... so there's no hurry."
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