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happiness
October 2009 
Poly? Or Solitary?
Posted on Jan 5th, 2009
by 
Fearless
Fearless
THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS have been a strange mix of contentment and despair.
Contentment because even though I spent Christmas and New Year on my own, I was still happy in my own company. Despair, because the man I love had spent that time with another woman he has come to love and want to spend time with.
No matter how strong the bond you have with someone, there is still a little twinge of 'maybe' that wriggles its way into your brain. Maybe he will fall in love with her and decide that she is indeed 'the one' - the one that most of us seem to think is out there for us.
I had said to him, "When you are there, do try and focus on her - be in the moment - don't be answering emails, and writing your blog and keeping in touch with me and other friends. Spend the time you have with her." Even so, after two or three days, I really missed hearing from him. I hadn't realised how much those daily phones from him served to 'settle me', and made me feel important. When I did relent and send him this message:
Dear One,
Even though I did suggest that you focus on *** during your visit, I'm finding that I'm really missing you. I'm wondering if you've fallen in love and aren't sure how to tell me. It's so unusual not to see your name lit up on skype.
Just missing you. But still hoping you're having a good time and that the sun shines on you every now and then at least.
Lots of love,
***
Even though I did suggest that you focus on *** during your visit, I'm finding that I'm really missing you. I'm wondering if you've fallen in love and aren't sure how to tell me. It's so unusual not to see your name lit up on skype.
Just missing you. But still hoping you're having a good time and that the sun shines on you every now and then at least.
Lots of love,
***
this is what he replied:
I'm missing you too and I haven't gone away. My relationship with *** is hard and very rewarding work, but doesn't change what I feel for you.
I am learning an enormous amount about who I am and I think that will help all of my relationships.
I do love you. Back up for air soon. Be patient with me, it's all good.
Looking forward to my next visit to Australia, and to catching up soon.
XXXXXX
-/- ***
I am learning an enormous amount about who I am and I think that will help all of my relationships.
I do love you. Back up for air soon. Be patient with me, it's all good.
Looking forward to my next visit to Australia, and to catching up soon.
XXXXXX
-/- ***
For some reason, I interpreted the "back up for air soon" as him having fallen hopelessly in love with her and they had been in bed all the time, wildly celebrating their passion with non-stop sex. I could not be consoled by various people counselling me not to jump to conclusions and to just wait it out and see what had happened when he returned. Then, when he posted this on his blog site, I was even more convinced that this relationship he had found with another woman far outweighed what we might have experienced together.
I've been out of town the last few days, on the West Coast. It's a time of great change for me, a time of coming unfrozen, of astonishing learning and self-discovery and joy and sadness and realization. For the first time in decades I'm really living in the moment, raw, open, vulnerable, present. It's almost more than I can bear, filled with more emotion than I thought I was still capable of.
It's going to take me a long time to process it, and I don't know if I will ever be able to express it in words. Ideas are so simple to say in our strange human languages, and feelings are so hard. I think much of what I write for the next while will be poetry and music, because their languages are at least better suited to communicating, conveying emotion.
I've been waiting for this, looking for this, for a long time. Sitting here with a cat named Jez curled up on my coat beside me, in this small strange room. Crying a lot, listening to music that has come to guide me, to stand for me, to say for me the really important things I can't say. Yet so happy, to have found this again.
Bear with me, I'll be back. It's all good. I love you, dear readers. You have been my lifeline for nearly six years now. We are connected in ways that can never be broken. You are all a part of me. I give you a virtual hug, for the long and wonderful journey that still awaits us. Hope to keep seeing you, traveling beside me, sweet "too far ahead" friends.
It's going to take me a long time to process it, and I don't know if I will ever be able to express it in words. Ideas are so simple to say in our strange human languages, and feelings are so hard. I think much of what I write for the next while will be poetry and music, because their languages are at least better suited to communicating, conveying emotion.
I've been waiting for this, looking for this, for a long time. Sitting here with a cat named Jez curled up on my coat beside me, in this small strange room. Crying a lot, listening to music that has come to guide me, to stand for me, to say for me the really important things I can't say. Yet so happy, to have found this again.
Bear with me, I'll be back. It's all good. I love you, dear readers. You have been my lifeline for nearly six years now. We are connected in ways that can never be broken. You are all a part of me. I give you a virtual hug, for the long and wonderful journey that still awaits us. Hope to keep seeing you, traveling beside me, sweet "too far ahead" friends.
What upset me the most was feeling that he had shared 'with the world' (through his blog), more of his feelings about what he had experienced with this woman, than he had with me. Plus, the incredible revelations he had had were so powerful, that I couldn't help feeling that I had failed him in some way, because I hadn't been able to lead him to these conclusions.
But then, almost immediately, I felt selfish and greedy. He and I have shared so much in the past year, surely I didn't begrudge this other woman her 'moment in the sun', her success in bringing out in our mutual loved one, some deep-seated fears and anxieties and help lead him out into the light?
I don't know if what I want from the man I love, is within him to give.
But I do know that I enjoy what we have. Even though I do agree that the concept of polyamoury is a good one - having loving relationships with a number of people - I am content with just the love and attention of one person. He, on the other hand, aspires to be loved and love a number.
Because I have a tendency to reveal my soul, I have spoken to a number of friends about my relationship with my 'Wonderful One', and the general consensus seems to be, "Get out! Walk away! You are not getting what you want from this relationship. It's all his way." Comments in that ilk.
I wouldn't describe myself as polyamorous ... yet. All I know is that I do sincerely feel a degree of gratitude to this stranger in my life for helping the man I love on this part of his journey (even though I also feel a tinge of regret that it wasn't me who did it). On one of my morning walks, I came across a beautiful Norfolk Island Pine and I immediately thought of her, so I took a photo and asked him to pass it on to her for me. I just wanted to give her a gift.
In March, I will have to go through this experience again when 'my' sweet man meets up with the other woman he loves. He has admired her for a long time and the development of their relationship is another little pin prick to my heart. Another source of, "Is she the one?"
How many women must I 'process' before there is one who is more appealing, more desirable, more available than I? In some ways, it's kind of like being a food taster - one day there will be poison in the cup. At least, that's my fear. This man's fear (I think) is being tied down to a relationship that is no longer stimulating for him. After all, he was a faithful husband for 27 years and look where that got him!
He tells me that he is even more convinced than ever that polyamoury is the right choice for him. I'm still ambivalent. After all, when we met, he presented it as an experience where the TWO OF US would establish loving relationships with other couples and if either one of us, wasn't sure about any of the partners, then the relationship wouldn't proceed. What has evolved, is an entirely different scenario altogether. HE is exploring other relationships on his own - relationships that have nothing to do with me. Somehow or another, what I signed up for, hasn't come to pass. He tells me now that what he originally spoke of was the theory. What he is pursuing now is his reality.
We lead such different lives, he and I. Mine is far more solitary. I speak to few people and rather enjoy my solitude. He, on the other hand, has a number-one-Google ranked blog; a very busy work life; an email friends list a mile long; and constant engagement with people on many different levels.
I don't know why, but for some reason I think of Dolly Parton and Tom Jones - both really high profile performers with 'quiet as a mouse' partners back home not seeking the limelight at all. While I wouldn't describe myself as 'quiet as a mouse', for some reason the comparison seems apt.
If there is one thing I would like to have from this man that I don't have at the moment, is acknowledgement from him that ours is a 'primary' relationship. The one that all his others fan out from. He has told me many times though, that he does not want this - he wants all his relationships to be on the same level, with none being more important than any other. Intellectually, I understand this. Emotionally, I still yearn for it. I need some acknowledgement from him that our relationship was the catalyst for him breaking away from his failed marriage and beginning this journey of taking his idealistic notion of love into the realm of reality.
He told me today in a phone conversation (and this is something he hasn't shared with me before), that he realised after a year of us being together, and the desire for a monogamous relationship hadn't presented itself to him, that he had realised polyamoury was indeed, the answer for him.
This pulled me up a little. This was something new. In his mind, if he hadn't wanted a monogamous relationship with me in the first year of us being together, he was never going to want to.
For 12 months he had been constantly telling me that he suspected I was thinking, "Oh, he'll grow out of this silly desire for polyamoury"; when all the time it was him waiting to see if a desire for monogamy would prevail.
I recognise that he needs to be intellectually and emotionally stimulated to feel alive - and I want to ensure that he has the freedom in our relationship to have that. I don't know if he will ever feel safe to give me what I feel I need.
He is amused when I talk about needs, because he says he doesn't have any needs. (Apart from food, water and air). But I do feel all us have needs or desires or wants - something that is lacking that we want to be filled.
All of this of course, doesn't have anything to do with lovely Esperance - the setting for this little emotional drama of mine.
The town continues to be a happy place for me to be. Work is tolerable and the dosh is great! My kumun drumming classes are more or less my only 'social life' apart from the time (far too much time) that I spend in Second Life which I have been enjoying immensely these past couple of weeks. I am re-invigorated and released from the pressures of having another community member around whom I usually clash with, and I feel much more relaxed and happy.
All it takes is a phone call from him and my usual feeling of contentment and bliss returns.
An existing, wonderful relationship in Second Life has blossomed into intimacy (cyber intimacy) and that is such an unexpected delight.
This expansion into the realm of the possible is just so liberating. I've loved the man I spoke about earlier in my blog, in our very first conversation and even though there have been some substantial tears in the meantime, it is still very much worth it, this journey - deciding whether I am indeed fated to be poly or solitary.
The answer is not yet clear to me.
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