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Quarter to Four In The Morning

Posted on Jul 8th, 2008 by Fearless : Grace Serene Fearless
Cabaut
IT'S QUARTER TO FOUR IN THE MORNING and my journey has begun!   I have woken with so many thoughts in my head about the journey before me and I want to start sharing it with you now.

I've been stuck in this holding pattern for long enough and now things are falling into place which will give me the opportunity to change my life.   I'm about to start out on "The Road to Fearless".

For the past two or three years I've been 'holed up' in an environment which hasn't been serving me very well in terms of my personal development.   I've become quite the recluse - especially since a bit over a year ago I discovered Second Life (an online cyber reality world) and I thought all my dreams had come true!   It got to the point where I was spending 24 hours a day in there.

I've met a wonderful man in there and initially, we fell head over heels in love - absolutely no restraint from either of us.   And it's his father who is responsible for the new guiding principle in my life - "Be Fearless!"   That is the advice he gave his son many years ago, and it was the advice David gave me when I hesitated to surrender myself to the delicious sensations we experienced when we opened up to one another in Second Life.

But this journey is mine, and one I will take alone.   Well, not quite alone - I'll be taking my lovely docile kelpie with me, Marlo.

I have a beautiful little house on a river in north-east Victoria but for the past three years I haven't lived in it.   It has sat alone and empty for most of that time.   Each winter I feel so guilty and sad for the house - no one there to love and warm it.   Yet the 'fear' of living there alone again held me back from returning.

Not that I particularly minded living there alone to begin with, but I just didn't want to face it again.   I'd loved my house and felt content there.   It was the aloneness that I just didn't want to feel again.

Yet, the anticipation of hitting the road on my own now, fills me with such excitement and stimulation that I have a perpetual smile on my face.   It's the reason I'm up at quarter to four in the morning, starting the journey of the experience.

Sooooo .... my next door neighbour phoned me up a couple of weeks ago expressing interest in buying my house.   I'd only said to another neighbour a few days before, "I just don't know what to do about my house.   Should I sell it, or rent it, or live in it myself?"   I'd been keeping my options open for the past three years and after I recovered from the shock of not owning my beautiful little house anymore, I started to get excited about what I could do with all that cash!

I named a price (that was almost three times what I paid for it seven years ago) and my neighbour didn't quibble - wham, bam, thank you ma'am - and the deal was made!   Wow!

So now I've contacted the bank to get a copy of the Title and will send a copy of my latest local council rates notice to the solicitor and it may be, that sometime next week or soon after, I will be all cashed up and ready to go.   Actually, even as I'm writing this, a slight tinge of superstition is creeping in and I'm wonder if I might be being too premature about celebrating.   Never mind!   I don't want to hold my breath - I want to celebrate!

I've already gone out and looked at campervans/caravans and have seen a lovely little poptop caravan which is just under my budget.   I'm so impetuous - this was at the very first yard I looked at, and was only the third van I'd stepped into.   Buying and selling stuff is torture to me - I'm not keen on shopping at all.

Still, I do have a shopping list for my great adventure, which while rather simple now, I'm sure will expand:

A brand-new, top-of-the-range, 'you-beaut' NASA-strength Mac laptop (so I have trouble-free access and use of Second Life - which is very much a graphics-based programme); electric brakes for the car (to assist in pulling up a caravan and which are required by law); MAYBE an upgraded, fancy mobile phone so that it doesn't get 'too' lonely out there.

I like the idea of showering outdoors, so maybe a solar camp shower might also get added to the necessities of life.

I have no firm idea of my route yet - apart from the likelihood that it will be westward from Melbourne.   David and I met in 'real life' in April (he lives in Canada and I'm in Australia) and while our 'romance' didn't take off, our friendship and deep, loving connection is still very much there and we are both hoping that we will eventually live together in an intentional community, probably in Australia.   Yesterday, I contacted the several ic's in South Australia and Western Australia and a couple have responded - one in Adelaide and another up near Broome - so the route seems to be taking shape.

I'll be leaving from the little cabin I've occupied for the past three years in Melbourne and heading up to north-east Victoria to clear out my lovely house on the river, selling my piano, lounge suite and other stuff that belongs to me but that I haven't needed/wanted/used for ever so long.

This trip to "Being Fearless" is going to be my pilgrimage - a year of spending time alone, exploring, thinking, reading and writing.   I welcome you along on it too.

Grace

(Photo:   This is where I've been holed up for the past three years - in a holding pattern - waiting for something to happen and that's my lovely dog 'Marlo' who will be coming with me).




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Is It Wise?

Posted on Jul 10th, 2008 by Fearless : Grace Serene Fearless
Rail
IS IT WISE for me to be telling the world that I am a 55 year old woman, travelling alone and then giving my itinerary?   This is what I woke at 3.30am this morning thinking about.

Always there is a duality to life and here I have mine.   Fearless or Foolish?

I am torn by my natural inclination to be self-revealing and my other, 'loner' temperment.   When I meet people for the first time, I tend to be a bit like a flasher - opening my trench coat wide so they can see everything that I've got (and am).   But I am also very reclusive in nature as well - I don't really enjoy people wanting anything from me.   I don't want to be obligated.  I crave interaction, but I also love my solitude.   I want both, but on my terms.

In fact, one of my most used refrains is, "Leave me alone!"   And life has obliged - I am alone!   lol   But I also feel that nature meant us all to have a mate.   (David and I have an ongoing conversation about 'mate' vs 'a number of loving parners').

It's this duality that I find fascinating.   I'm a confident shy person.   A hippy fascist.   Sometimes patient and indulgent, and at other times impatient and judgemental.   Emotional, yet sometimes quite un-empathetic.   But I can't dwell on these characteristics - they are part of seeing both sides of the coin.   I yearn to interact with like-minded souls; yet I'm quite wary of being 'trapped' with people who don't stimulate me.   

I'm wondering whether I should tell people in Second Life about this blog and reveal to the world in general what I'm doing and what I'm thinking.   I don't know whether it is particularly wise to 'cross over' between virtual reality and 'real' reality.   Does keeping my 'realities' separate, encourage a kind of schizophrenia, where I am actively separating components of myself?

Maybe I need to be circumspect when I say things like, "... I'm quite wary of being 'trapped' with people who don't stimulate me."   How is this going to affect others?   No one wants to be under that kind of scrutiny. 

Maybe these kind of ruminations are best left to thoughts you have in bed at 3.30 in the morning and not flashed to the rest of the world?   

But I have this perverse desire to reveal myself.   And then I think, "Is it perverse?"   Is it needy?   Is it self-promotion?   Does the world NEED another voice in the wilderness?     

Yesterday, I decided that 1st September (the first day of spring), would be my departure date and had the impulse to shave my head as a symbolic "fresh start" gesture.   Shaving my head is something I've always wanted to do - just to see how all that lovely fresh new growth would come back.   I have no allusions about looking beautiful - I'm pretty sure it will look like a big, fat, ugly ol' white bowling ball!

But I'm thinking that it will focus my attention on what I have allowed myself to become - a much larger person than I ever intended to be.   There will be nowhere to hide when I am thus exposed.   I will HAVE TO dedicate myself to nurturing myself - to sculpting this bald head of mine into a better 'work of art'.

I'm pretty sure I will do it.   This trip is very much an artistic expression.   I'm not thinking of it in terms of perfection - I'm thinking of it in terms of experience and results.

I made some enquiries yesterday with my internet service provider (ISP) about my options for internet on the road.   They suggested a satellite service through a Next G mobile phone, but I don't know whether I will take it up.   

Part of the experience of being on the road, for me, is NOT having constant exposure to the internet.   I want to spend nights reading and writing - not being on Second Life which I know I would be tempted to do.   So I think my initial idea of just being in touch with 'the outside world' only when I found an internet cafe, will be sufficient exposure.   

ALTHOUGH having an satellite mobile phone does sound like a reasonable security precaution!   Besides, it would enable me to have nightly contact with David (his night, which is my middle of the day), which he told me yesterday he intends to do.

I'm still left with the question though - is it wise to make general announcements of where I'm going or where I've been?   Will I attract the light?   Or the dark?   

MY SHOPPING LIST FOR TODAY is a light-weight aluminium rake (to rake away sticks and stones from in front of my van so I can put down a good-sized rubber mat in front of the door); and a new broom for inside the van.













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Back To The Drawing Board

Posted on Jul 17th, 2008 by Fearless : Grace Serene Fearless
Paddock
FOR SEVERAL DAYS, I haven't known what to write about here, but I've just come from an interesting discussion in Second Life about the Ethics of Vegetarianism and it's given me a new focus.

I've always wondered, "What's wrong with me?"   This vague feeling of not being 'right' or having some intrinsic 'fault' that I just don't seem to grasp or comprehend, has always been with me.   Without getting too 'psychological' about it, it's something I've addressed from time to time, and then when the 'crisis' passes, I pretty much just go back to who I was before anyway.

Discovering Second Life has been a turning point.   I realised one day that I was spending far more time and energy creating a beautiful avatar for in there, than I was in focusing on the 'real' me, out here.   It was a good realisation to have and it started me on the journey that I'm now taking.

We all go through periods of adjustment / development / advancement and along the way, I think I've evolved to a pretty good person.   Still, there are a few improvements which can always be made.   And that's what this trip is for me - a new page - more chapters - and another 'fresh start'.   

Looking at the issue of what I eat - what I take into my body as nourishment - is something that I've thought about from time to time.   I have really bad eating habits - in fact, I'm ashamed of how I nourish my body ( or don't!)   It's one of the most basic homages we can give to ourselves, but I just 'make do' and get by.   I do it with the clothes I wear as well - thrift shops and what people pass on to me.  

You wouldn't think it, but I do ascribe to the "Your body is your temple" sentiment, but I use mine as a rubbish bin!   (You can see why I ask myself, "What's wrong with you?") 

This is all indicative of attitude that I have - I just take what comes.   I don't make any sort of conscious effort to 'create' myself - to adorn myself, to nurture myself.   And this is going to change.   It is!

I used to be a vegetarian (many years ago) for about seven years and then one day, I just felt like a sausage in bread with onions and tomato sauce and that was the end of my vegetarianism.   But I've always felt uneasy with the moral dilemma of eating meat.   I've always thought that if you don't have the 'stomach' to kill an animal, then you shouldn't be eating it.

Abdicating our responsibility to kill our food on to someone else, is just weasly, really.   But still, I do.    Many of us do.   How many people do you know who kill their own meat?   The discussion was interesting enough that I want to share it with you:

Thomas: Today, I wanted to focus on ethics...which has come up nearly every week anyway.   Several weeks ago, when we started this gathering, I gave people an opportunity to say why they had decided to live a vegetarian lifestyle…and it is a lifestyle, not merely a ‘diet’ because it can affect so many choices beyond food and the way that people look at you. Today, I’d like to start delving a bit more deeply into these reasons.

Thomas: Many are driven to vegetarianism for ‘ethical’ reasons. In fact, in western, more industrialized countries, ethics may well be the most popular reason for going vegetarian.   Ethics and morality are so synonymous, that one word is used to define the other.

Thomas: A popular phrase in US politics (and likely others) over the last few years is that morality can’t be legislated because we are all raised in different circumstances with varying influences to establish our moral values to which we go on through life further developing or perhaps undoing our morality. Society does try to establish basic moral standards but they certainly don’t cover all circumstances you’ll face in your lifetime.

Thomas: Various ethical reasons have been suggested for choosing vegetarianism.  It has been argued, for example, that the production, slaughtering, and consumption of meat or animal products is unethical.  Reasons for this include a belief in animal rights, an aversion to inflicting pain or harm on other beings, or a belief that the unnecessary killing of other animals is inherently wrong.

Thomas: One might also argue that although production and consumption of meat may be acceptable, the methods utilized in the commercial industry are unethical.   Ethical vegetarianism has become more popular after the spread of factory farming.   

I wonder how many people actually see the life and death conditions of the approximately 100 million pigs, 37 million cows which are raised and slaughtered in the US alone every year….or more than 20 million chickens slaughtered every single day and think it is morally, or ethically right.

Grace: I've always thought that if you don't have the 'stomach' to kill an animal yourself ... then you shouldn't eat it.   But so many of us are quite prepared to abdicate our responsibility for 'feeding ourselves' and let others do the killing for us.   Including me, I might add.

Thomas: I know that some of my friends or co-workers will tell me that they were raised on a farm and that I have no idea of what is going on, yet they were raised on a family farm...saw a calf born and raised it themself...and have no idea of what the conditions are at factory farms.

Chee:  I'm wondering if vegetarians would eat meat if they killed the animals in a more ethical way?
Grace: If you had to kill the animal yourself Chee, I think you would think differently.
Thomas: I would not now, Chee.
Sara: well, i wouldn't, but can't speak for anyone else
DeSantis: chee, i hunted and i did kill
Chee: yes but that is because we are so far from nature at these times
Thomas: I think that the first time I saw my father kill a deer is when I began losing my taste for meat.

Grace: Maybe the answer is to get back to a more natural way ... if each of us were responsible for actually getting our own food (from nature) rather than the supermarket.

Thomas: The US Department of Agriculture estimates that 10 billion animals are killed annually for human consumption in the US alone. That doesn’t even consider the number of aquatic animal killed for human consumption but estimates are in the range of 17 billion in the US without consideration of incidental by-catch – marine or bird life that gets caught up in the process but never makes it to the dinner table.

DeSantis: Grace - we all live in trees?
Grace: No ... but we are so remote from the natural world now.   We're so dis-connected.
Sara: i would happily live in a tree....
DeSantis: she's right
Chee: yes that's what i mean Grace, i don't think it's right to say i'd probably think differently if i had to kill it myself.. i don't need it to survive
Grace: I think we are at a crossroads ... we can either go the way of letting multi nationals feed us or we can be responsible for our own food production.
Thomas agrees with Grace.
Grace: My partner is aiming for a vegan diet .... but I don't see anything wrong with getting milk from a cow or honey from a bee.
Thomas: I guess that comes back to how dairy cows are treated.   Some are treated horribly to increase their production of milk.
DeSantis: milk from a cow i will argue; honey - well that's still under debate
Grace: I'm thinking along more personal lines ... small production ... family / community
DeSantis: no problem - i kept chickens and killed them and dressed them
Thomas: yes, I think there is room for smaller operations like that ... where the cows may well live a better life than they might in the wild.   But they are near defensless and were never intended to exist in the number they do in captivity.

Thomas:   There is such waste in food production.   For example, Shrimp fisheries are the worst with 80 – 90% of the marine life (in weight) being drug from the ocean bottom considered by-catch and waste.
Grace:   I don't know whether it's possible to put the genie back into the bottle ... for us to turn our backs on large scale farming/fishing production methods.
Sara: it's probably difficult with the large population of humans
Thomas: Others are less deadly but there really isn't enough fish to keep feeding an increasing human population either.
DeSantis: how much of the world will you accept starving?   Until this year i grew 35% of our food

Grace: We are working harder/faster/longer to pay for a lifestyle that's not beneficial to us.   What happened to us being self-sufficient?   Growing our own food?
DeSantis: we lost
Thomas: yes, we got caught up in 'improving' our lives and lost track of the basics, I think.
DeSantis: i have a freezer full - and if the power goes?
Grace: We've now become dependent upon a lifestyle that isn't sustainable.   We can't look after ourselves any more.   Or at least, it's far more difficult to.   People use up all their time working for someone else to get enough money to buy food (from someone else)
DeSantis: that's not quite true.   Define lifestyle.
Chee: well we're on our way to become useless i think.. all machines
Grace: The way we live our lives.
Grace: I don't know that many people are really living the lives they WANT to live.   They are leading the lives they HAVE to.
Thomas: Sometimes Chee, I think we are less feeling..less empathetic with what is happening around us and how we treat others...but then you look back in history and we've always been violent, as a race.

DeSantis: there are people in the Sudan getting by.   And that's a shit hole.
Thomas: true.... but I think most of us would not be happy with that lifestyle ... but then, we have excess on the other end of the scale.
Grace: Yes, but is 'getting by' the kind of life they want to lead?   And how are they 'getting by'?   How much support are they getting from others? 
Grace: I have this idealistic notion of wondering what would happen if ALL of society's wealth was evenly divided between the world's adults ...

Thomas: There are also non-animal rights arguments to promote vegetarianism. Global warming is one key issue for environmental vegetarians. According to a study done by the University of ... switching from a meat-eating diet to vegetarianism reduces one carbon footprint by 1.4 times the amount of switching from a Toyota Camry to a Hybrid car.
Grace: This is a relatively new phenomenon (I think) ... this consideration of what impact our actions have on the planet.
Thomas: I think it is gaining more of a foothold.
Grace: In the past, farmers, industrialists etc., just did what they wanted to do and expected Planet Earth to suck it up.
Thomas: I remember an environmental class 15 years ago in which we discussed the affects of animals on the climate.

Bonn: thomas, sorry, I am not a global warming advocate
Grace: But shouldn't we all tread more gently on the earth anyway Bonn, regardless of whether you think global warming is a legitimate issue or not?
Thomas: ..but it is something that many are becoming so much more aware of.   This is because of the vast amount of methane that is put into the air from overbreeding for consumption, methane being a 32% more potent greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide. Shipment of the grain and the cattle itself also plays a part in this issue, being that it takes 8 pounds of grain to get 1 pound of meat.
DeSantis: ok, so how many should we cull?
Thomas: That is always something that stuck with me...that cattle need up to 10 lbs of grain to produce 1lb of meat. People could be eating the grains instead of feeding cows to kill them.
Bonn: I agree 100% - except for the clean kills I have witnessed
Thomas: and all of that is assuming, in my mind Bonn, that killing anything for our own pleasure or comfort is right. I don't accept that..clean or not.
Bonn: The fish - caught in front of me and instanly killed
Thomas: and that would make my mother feel better to know I was instantly killed in front of her..rather than tortured.
Grace: I just have to keep reminding myself that another sentient being's life is being taken just so I can eat.
Grace: Bonn, have you ever killed anything yourself?
Bonnie: The problem is OUR socieity - it horribly hurting the cows
Grace: Our society is you and me Bonnie.

Treading softly on the earth - being mindful of how our actions impact on others.   Which is probably the 'modern' way of saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you ... only do it first."

Being Graceful and Serene



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Packing Away

Posted on Jul 21st, 2008 by Fearless : Grace Serene Fearless
Homesweethome
THERE ARE TWO HOUSEHOLDS I must pack away before I leave on this wonderful epic journey around Australia - one in Melbourne and another in the country.

My lovely little house in the country is on a river and I received a telephone call a couple of days ago to say that it's been raining continuously (a great thing since our country is in drought at the moment), but the river was rising and there was some concern about my house being flooded.    (Crap timing since settlement is due in two weeks!)   lol

Scoff if you will, but I've taken to lighting a candle at our Second Life island when there is something I am troubled by and I lit a candle to keep my lovely house safe.   Today I checked the river level (on a great weather/river level website) and great news - the level has dropped .16 of a metre which brings it that much further below minor flood level.

My main concern in the house is a lovely old 1880's German steel-framed piano, which would completely disintegrate if it got wet.

So, I am packing up this Melbourne house and then heading up to the country for two weeks or so to clear out the house and shed for the new owners, who take possession mid-August.   I've been agonising over what to keep; what to sell and what to give away, but I think once I start going through the things, it will all become clear.

The piano is an old treasure - bought for $70 at a garage sale and a bit battered from its years of use at a local Sunday school.   I might loan that to a neighbour (and keep my options open until I know where I will be settling eventually).   There's an old trunk that someone from Floridia in Italy brought with them to Brunswick (an inner Melbourne suburb) and which I picked up at a market for $20 - another great bargain.   I'll hold on to that one.

The shed - full of stuff that "might come in handy one day" is going to be a bit of a treasure trove I think.   A 44-gallon drum cut lengthways is a perfect "out in the garden" fire pit; a thick old wooden and glass door from an 1880's miner's cottage I used to live in; a rustic garden setting made from twigs; a huge and heavy barbeque table that takes six men to lift; and assorted other bric a brac.

I'm also organising my financial situation, which will be a meagre one.   After I pay off my mortgage, car loan and credit card I will barely have enough to give me a paltry $200 AUS to live on each week.   Yep, $200 a week!   lol   I'm used to poverty, but that is going to be a real challenge - especially while travelling.   I will pretty much get one tank of petrol, $50 worth of food and $50 towards camping fees etc out of it.

I might have to set Marlo (my four year Kelpie) to catching her own dinner at night.   Still, I'm not daunted.   That could be because I'm ridiculously stubborn!

On the whole though, I am really looking forward to the challenges ahead.   I'll try and squirrel away as much money as I can by having a garage sale of all my stuff and working from time to time while I'm on the road.   I've done a variety of different things - administration, child care, animal welfare, journalism, writing, retail, vineyard worker, fruit picking - so I'm confident of my ability to earn along the way.

The worse it is, the better the story!    




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Waiting For Life or Death

Posted on Jul 30th, 2008 by Fearless : Grace Serene Fearless
MY MOTHER is hovering half way between life and death as I write this.   In the past week she has suffered several heart attacks and is in intensive care, with a 50/50 chance of survival.

Mum is sweet-natured, gentle, loving and very, very patient and I think it is this capacity she has to surrender to another's will, that will bring her through this incredible trial.

But the horrible truth is that I don't want her to.

This is a shocking thing to even think, much less utter.   

Mum has had heart disease for quite a number of years.   Her heart has been severely damaged by these heart attacks - she has eight stents and the back wall of her heart is very bad affected.   If she does recover, we've been told it will be a VERY long recovery process and will take a lot of rehabilitation just to get her to the stage where she can even have a modicum of mobility.

After previous heart surgeries, mum has proven to be a very stubborn lady when it comes to exercise and rehabilitation - she just hasn't wanted to do it!   She gets fed up with taking medication and sometimes, even though she has been told not to, just decides to stop a particular tablet if she starts to feel better.

While my sister and I have come to terms with losing mum, our poor father is still grimly holding on to the hope that mum will come home and life will "get back to normal" - as in he has mum with him.   Basically, he doesn't care what condition she is in - as long as she comes home to keep him company.   He is making plans to bring a housekeeper in so that mum doesn't have any domestic responsibilities at all.

My parents have been married for 56 years (I was born when my father was only 21 years old and my mother 23).   Mum and dad are so dissimiliar.   While mum is quiet and gentle and placid, my father is fiery, bad-tempered, critical, judgemental and TOTALLY domeering.   Life is fine as long as he gets his own way.

Fortunately for their relationship, mum has always been easy-going and quite willing for dad to make all the decisions and to control every aspect of their lives.   But this is something that he doesn't have any control over and it's a struggle for him to get his head around the fact that he's not the one calling the shots on whether mum lives or dies.

As a family, we've made the decision that if she suffers another heart attack, hospital staff will 'shock' her heart once or maybe twice, but they will not administer CPR - essentially this is a 'Do Not Resuscitate' order.   There comes a point where everyone has to accept that all this 'extraordinary' measures to give mum the best chance of life, are just prolonging the inevitable - her body just cannot sustain life anymore - especially her heart.

But this sweet, gentle lady surprises us.   For the past four days she has been in a drug-induced coma so that she can be intubated and is on full life support - her heart, lungs and kidneys being fully supported by machines.   This morning, when I checked with hospital staff, her kidneys are starting to work again and they are even considering taking her off dialysis.

While publicly expressing gladness that she is showing signs of improvement, I am privately thinking, "Oh god, I just want her battle to be over - I just want her to be at peace - and I want to be free of the responsibility of looking after her."

This is a shocking admission to make and one I'm wary of being struck down by lightning for making.   (Catholic upbringings linger long).

If mum survives, I know I will be expected to delay, or even cancel, my plans for this great trip around Australia.   She was so apprehensive about me being on the road on my own and her fears and anxieties were relayed to me several times as reasons why I shouldn't go.   

This has put me in a position where I actually want my mother to die so I can be released from this burden of responsibility.   I just feel this incredible pressure for me to live a life others want me to live.   For them to be happy, I have to be unhappy.   And I know she doesn't want that.   She has said our whole lives - "I just want my children to be happy".   Yet, the decisions I make, do lead to her being anxious or worried.

My holy grail is this road trip around Australia that I'll be setting off on on 1st September and I am determined that nothing will stand in my way.   But can I be that callous?  

My desire for her battle to be over isn't entirely because I want to drive guilt-free down the road, it's also because I know she hasn't been really happy the last several years - since my father retired.   Without work responsibilities, dad has turned his attention to the home front and has become critical of the way mum does things around the house.

As far as he is concerned, she makes too much noise in the kitchen; doesn't have 'logical systems' for things; her driving isn't good enough; she is too absent-minded; isn't careful enough; drops too many things (she has bad arthritis in her hands) ... etc, etc.   Even the way she makes the bed and washes the clothes has come under scrutiny.

Because he hates to be alone, every time she mentions going anywhere, dad says he'll come too so she just never has any time away from him.   Mum loves shopping and dad hates it, yet he insists on going with her and then complaining the whole time about how long it's taking, so she gives up her plans, whatever they may be, to come home just so he'll stop whingeing.

She has given up her life to please him and I'm struggling not to do the same.

For me to live the life I want to live, I need to be free of parental guilt.   I'm 55 years old - I don't want to spend the next 10, 15, 20 years of my life caring for aged and infirm parents.   I must be a horrible person, or at the very least, incredibly selfish (which I know I am!)

Well, there you have it.   I'm a terrible person.   Or maybe a nice enough person, who's just made a terrible admission.   

Does anyone get to live the life they want without feeling guilty?








 






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