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October 2009 
Feeling Safe ... or not
Posted on Nov 20th, 2008
by 
Fearless
Fearless
THE PAST WEEK has been a very intensive time of looking at my sense of security, my value as a person and love in my life. I pondered on whether I should share it with you all here because it is so intensely personal and also because it's such a long way from being "graceful, gracious and serene". But so often these days, I find myself thinking, "For better or worse, these are my thoughts and feelings" and also, "You live and learn."
Maybe my journey will shine a light on yours.
When I think of love, it is David who fills my heart most. Maybe because for me, it's a romantic love, although there are many others I love and who love me. A few days ago, it was the one year anniversary of us meeting in Second Life (we met in real life back in April).
Love however, doesn't necessarily bring a sense of being safe or secure - especially romantic love which rises and falls with the degree of passion and interest that is evoked.
From our very first conversation, I've known that David is an advocate of polyamoury (having loving relationships with more than one person) and while I think it is a concept that sounds ideal - having an ever-expanding circle of loving relationships - I expect that the actual practice of it CAN be fraught with all kinds of dangers. The very real likelihood that there will always be someone, somewhere who fills the heart of your loved one more intensely than you do, leaving you feeling a sense of having 'lost' some of the love you once had. At least, that's my understanding of it now, from where I am in my journey of life.
I know though that if polyamoury can work (for me), it's with David that I have the best chance. Still ... it has rocked my sense of security to know that out of the hundreds of contacts/friends/gravitiational community members with whom he's constantly in touch with, there are two specific women he wants to pursue deeper emotional connections with.
That's okay. Life is a journey that's sometimes exciting, sometimes heartbreaking and sometimes fun. This just seems to be a challenging section of the road.
So, with my ears pinned back from that revelation, I was chatting yesterday with one of the other residents here at the caravan park where I've been camped for the past several weeks, when out of nowhere, another man came rushing up at me, brandishing a golf club, screaming, "Tie your fuckin' dog up! It's been up at my van havin' a go at my kid and if it comes near me again, I'll kill the fuckin' cunt!"
I was absolutely dumbfounded. Shocked. First at the vehemence and ugliness of his words and secondly, because I KNOW Marlo is not the kind of dog who would "have a go" - especially at a child! He said Marlo had come to his door and SNARLED at his son inside and that is just plain ludicrous.
When I turned, I saw that Marlo was inside my car and I said, "It couldn't have been my dog, she's in the car". He shouted, "That's because I hit her with this (waving the golf club) and she took off."
I just couldn't believe that something like this could be happening. I ran to the car to see if she'd been injured, but she seemed unfazed (as Marlo always does). So many thoughts ran through my head. "How could I protect Marlo and myself from this man?" "Should I phone the police?" "Where would I go to?" "Where would I be safe?"
Suddenly, the whole concept of safety and security came rushing in and overwhelmed me. I burst into tears. I felt so alone and vulnerable.
I coaxed Marlo out of the car to see if she could walk and led her into the caravan - our haven. Not having anywhere else to turn, I reached out to my computer. A member of our intentional community in Second Life was online, so I pinged her on Skype. She comforted me and soothed my tears and we soon moved on from the 'drama' and began chatting about our community.
"I've been wanting to talk to you about a couple of things," she began. And for the next hour she explained to me all the things I'd been doing wrong there - the posts I'd been making to our forum and the fears she had that I was interfering in things and not following proper procedures and perhaps inhibiting the progress of the group.
No matter how true or accurate her perceptions were, it hurt to hear that I'd been doing the wrong thing by the community that David and I had set up six months ago. I began to feel that I was actually a liability to the group's progress and in my current state of vulnerability, felt that perhaps it would be better if I didn't participate.
Another haven of safety gone.
This morning though, a ray of hope from an unexpected source - a man I don't even really know all that well - a member of our community, but one who isn't around all that much. He told me:
"If YOU don't feel safe - where can you feel safe? If YOU feel safe, the location doesn't matter."
So, out of panic and fear, a ray of hope. Words to guide and comfort.
It's important to me that the people who do love me and care for my happiness, don't judge David for what he needs for his happiness. I don't. I want him to be happy and in fact, part of my happiness comes from his happiness. I want him to be fulfilled and feel loved and experience everything in life that he wants to experience.
I want the same for myself.
In fact, the greatest strength of all comes from facing great challenges and meeting them. I suspect that our greatest fear comes from not believing we can.
David and I have processed a lot of our thoughts and feelings and I'm happy that our connection with one another still feels strong. I have an advertisement in the newspaper today looking for somewhere else to live where Marlo will be safe and we don't have to contend with unravelling men with golf clubs and no doubt things will settle down in our online community now that I am more conscious of my actions.
And so ... this onslaught on my sense of security and my fears of losing love ... might rattle me from time to time or appear to be consuming me ... but for now, I feel stronger for those words:
"If YOU don't feel safe - where can you feel safe? If YOU feel safe - the location doesn't matter." (Thank you Martin).
I feel stronger already.
(Photo above: My darling Oskar some years ago when he used to come to my house and set up a stall out the front to sell business cards. He and Marlo would sit out there for hours.)
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